Sticks and Stones...

 

....will break your bones, but names will never hurt you. 

 

Oh but names do hurt.  Words can hurt and leave holes in the soul just as a nail will leave holes in a board.  Here’s an experiment, throw a couple nails into a big flat board.  Hard  and fast.  But wait, you didn't mean to nail that board so go ahead and take them out.  Damn.  the holes are still there!  You may not have meant to nail that board and you took the nails back....but the holes they made are still there.  It’s the same thing with words.  Take the mean, hateful words back but the holes they made will still be there.  You can't see them, but they are there just the same.  Today I wonder, do words said, not to another person but to yourself....in your head...leave just as many holes?  Today I feel so full of holes that if I took a big drink of water I fear it would all leak out.  Today I am remembering and healing from verbal abuse,   not by a stranger...or a well meaning friend or the wrath of a loved one whom I had wronged, but by the woman who lives inside my head.  I hate her, she is so mean, she makes me cry.  Because of her I can't trust what I see or feel.  Sometimes she is so loud that she drowns out everything and everyone else out.  Her mean and hateful words are all I hear. 

 

"You are so fat and ugly"

"You will never succeed"

"Why bother?  It will never work"

"You will never fit in"

"No one likes you at all"

"You are a joke"

"You will always be fat"

"You will never be sexy"

"No one will ever love you, really love you"

"you don't deserve to be thin"

"You don't deserve to be happy"

"You just don't deserve...."

"Just quit"

"Give up"

 

Each word makes a new and very permanent, there forever, hole.  Some are big holes, some are little holes...but after a while there are just so many holes…and each one invisible to the naked eye.  This is what I am doing to myself.  I know I don’t deserve it and I would never do it to someone else.  I know that the one person who I should always be able to rely on, who will always be in my “corner” is me.  The only problem is, as it turns out, I am my own worst enemy.  Why?

 

Yesterday I had a bad day.  Yesterday when I looked in the mirror I despised the woman I saw looking back at me.  She was fat, saggy, old and ugly.  Her hair was too stringy, her breasts uneven and unattractive.  Her teeth are horribly crooked and her smile is awkward and unattractive.  Her belly had scars and hundreds of bright silver stretch marks that before weren’t quite so visible.  I cried.  I cried because she is not who I see inside my head or in my dreams.  It didn’t seem fair to be confronted with such a stark vision of reality when I feel I deserve more of the dream as a reward for all of my hard work and dedication.  I cried and asked why?  Why bother?  Why keep trying?  Why give up so much of what I love for a dream that is obviously so far out of my reach?  Why do I get up so early to go to the gym to work on my muscles, my cardiovascular health, me?  Why?  What good is it if I am doomed to be the most “Fit” “Fat” girl I know?  I don’t want to BE that girl.  The more I cried and asked why the more the hateful words formed in my head and the more I succumbed to the verbal, abusive onslaught of hate that I know so intimately well.  You don’t deserve to be happy.  That is why you can’t succeed.  You don’t deserve it.

 

In my despair I talked to a friend and she said “maybe you need to reevaluate your definition of what pretty is” 

 

Wow.  That wasn’t our whole conversation but it was the one sentence that she said that really stuck with me.  Reevaluate what pretty is.  When I think about it, I think there might be a whole lot of things that I might need to reevaluate.  Look beyond the actual and try to see the inner beauty. 

 

I remember the scars, I remember the pain that lead up to their creation, I remember my daughter, 6 months old, and me, not knowing what was wrong with me, why was I in so much pain, why couldn’t I eat.  I remember having to have my gallbladder removed and what a relief it was.  No more pain.  Some scars but I could live with them so long as I was alive and healthy and pain free.

 

All those bright silver stretch marks, I remember those as well.  I gave birth to two very healthy, beautiful babies…5 years apart.  I wanted more children but in the end I was only to be blessed with the two.  These bright silver marks are the result of their healthy growth inside me.  I never saw them before because I was so much bigger than I am now.  True, I am not thin and by medical definitions I am still obese but seeing these marks now are a sign of progress. slow and painful yes, but still progress.

 

 

I still need to work on reevaluating what pretty is for me and not how others define what pretty is but I think that will take a little more time and a lot more thought.  Not tonight.  Tonight I will start to practice self-acceptance and like anything else, my hope is…practice will make perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

Good Intentions ... Actual Outcomes...

Had nothing but good intentions all day yesterday. I tracked my calories like a champ throughout the day. Had about 500 when I left work for the remainder of the evening, which, should have been plenty...a challange, but plenty. I even made the bold statement earlier in the day that I needed to track my calories and stop eating when they were gone. Easy, right? Apparently not. The second I got on the bus for the commute home I started craving. Those cravings all of a sudden were followed by "OMG I am SO hungry", which I find strange because when I walked out of work, I wasn't feeling hungry at all. More cravings. 35 minute bus ride back to Burnsville Transit station, walk to my car and start my drive home. Traffic was bad, idiots on all sides of me and I can literaly feel my blood pressure rising (how some people even get a license completely astounds me. DRIVE YOUR DAMN CAR DUDE!).

Even more cravings, these were accompanied by day dreams of what I wanted to eat when I walked in the door.

Get home and all bets are off. I ate the pretzle rods I was craving (3 servings), the toast with Earth balance (embarrased about how much toast I ate), chips and a tomato on toast sandwich for dinner. I was so disappointed in myself. I did stop after that, I didn't just throw in the towel, wave the white flag and go all out with the thought "well, I've blown it...may as well blow it good". To me, that's like droping your phone then thinking "well that's it, I've dropped it, may as well give it a good stomp" and then smash it to bits.

Today is a chance for another new start. I've had 2 pieces of toast this morning with my coffee and measured out a serving of M&M's but that serving is still sitting on my desk. I've only had a couple M's with my hot coffee but I'll be tracking that serving. I go to the gym tonight instead of early morning so I can stay a bit longer than I normally would since I won't have to rush to get ready for work. Silver lining, right?


Good intentions for a better day.


Striving for a matching outcome!

Picking Things Up and then Putting Them Down Again!

This morning’s workout was only 40 minutes long. I felt the need to cut it short because with the snow coming down pretty hard I knew we were going to have to fight the gawd awful traffic just to get to the transit station on time, however, I was NOT going to call a “snow day” and skip the gym all together (though, the thought DID slink past my mind at one point). No, I was going to go no matter what! How’s that saying go? If you’re too lazy to work out then you don’t want it bad enough! Anyway, I had also planned this morning to be my first day back weight lifting. I’ve pretty much abandoned weight lifting all together for the last several months and become a “cardio bunny” (unless you count my weekly hauling of laundry up and down stairs as weight lifting). Here was my workout this morning:

• 3 minutes – Rowing Machine (500 meters) 
• Lat pull downs – 62.5 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Pec Flys – 10 lbs (each hand) (2 sets – 10 reps)
• Dumbbell Chest Presses – 15 lbs (each hand) (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Tricep overhead dips – 15 lbs (1 set – 10 reps)
• Dumbbell Bent over rows – 30 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Dumbbell Squat press to Shoulder – 20 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Walk 1 lap around track – (never felt so good!)
• 3 minutes – Rowing Machine (set at 10) (550 meters)
• Lat Pull downs – 62.5 lbs (2 sets – 12 reps)
• Medicine Ball Torso twists – 9 lbs (2 sets – 45 seconds each)
• 2 minutes stretching

 

Tonight I have 60 minutes of Yoga, this will be my 3rd week in a row doing Yoga and I am looking forward to it. It’s great practice for me to accept myself and my abilities where I am at today and try not to find fault with every lunge I need to modify or every breathing sequence I stutter through. In my effort to breathe the way I am supposed to I think I end up holding my breath more than anything else. With time and practice I know I will get it. Until then, it’s ok to be where I am in the moment I am, as un-bendy, uncoordinated and awkward as that may be.

 

Ps…and to the dude next to me tonight, apologies in advance for any leg tangling and tipping over I may cause myself, please know it is never my goal to take as many others down with me as possible.

Day 375...and counting

How do they do it? How do they find that inspiration to keep pushing and plodding on every single solitary day when the journey seems to be getting longer and longer with each passing minute for me? Here I sit, day 375 of consistently tuning in, despite inconsistent successes. In the past year I went from weighing every day to weighing once a month, not weighing at all and going strictly by "feel", weighing once every week or so to now, weighing every Thursday (with a caveat of course...). I tracked every single morsel that would pass my lips (a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!), didn't track at all, Was strict all week and had free day on Sunday, had a "treat bucket" locked in a closet that only came out on Sunday where I would eat whatever and how ever much I wanted. Free day turned in to "Free most of the time". Fell off the wagon...got back on the wagon, fell down, got back up yet again. Went to the gym every day 7 days a week, dropped to 5-6 days, took two weeks off...went back. I've cried, screamed, pondered why I am surrounded by success but can't get any to stick to me. Wondered "What is wrong with me?" ; "What am I doing wrong?" ; "Why can't I just stop eating?"...at my lowest moments (and trust me, I am not proud of this at all) I've even thought "Of all the eating disorders in this world, why do I have to have the one that makes me fat?!?!".




What is it? It's a marathon...a journey...a life long, hang on to your hats it's gonna be a bumpy ride...endless expedition.



What isn't it? It's NOT a quick fix. It's not a "take this one small pill and lose all your belly fat instantly". It's not "sprinkle this on your food and eat as much as you want and lose weight". It's DEFINATLY not "think thin and be thin" This one makes me laugh because I feel thin all the time but am always so damn surprised to see myself in a reflective window walking down the street....or a mirror...or worse, actual pictures. The old adage says, "the camera adds 20 lbs". In my case it's another whole person.



Most days I want the quick fix. I want the journey to end in success so badly it seems criminal to have to wait so long. I want what every American seems to want, instant gratification.



Most days what I get is that inner voice that says "get your ass out of bed, put on those damn workout clothes and just get to the f*cking gym"..."just do it". The inner struggle that says "NO, I DON'T WANT TO!". I'm tired, I'm cramping, My head hurts, my body aches, I should go in early to work because there is so much to do, I'm too stressed, I'm too fat, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!..."I hate you".



Just over one year of consistently tuning in and I didn't lose anywhere NEAR what I had thought I would lose, I struggled, I fell, I got back up again. My successes weren't as grand as I had hoped at the end of a whole year...but in the end, there were successes. I can wear size 18 jeans (down from 24 last year). I can run. I can do an hour on the elliptical without hoping for death at any second just so it will end. I don't have a "treat bucket" anymore. I don't have a "free day" anymore. I know what "full" feels like and frankly don't like eating to that point because it is uncomfortable now...not comforting like it used to. M&M's are not something I "HAVE" to buy in a 2lb bag anymore so that I will have enough. I've met some pretty amazing people through Fitness Pals, I've made friends at the gym. I may never walk into a bar and have "everyone know my name" but now, I walk in to the gym and they do and if the don't always know my name, they recognize my face. Every. Single. Time.



I learned that success is not always big. Sometimes success comes in a very tiny package...but that doesn't make it any less a success.



Day 375...and counting

Tuesday, January 24th ...My Monday...

(4:47am) I thought I could get away from calorie counting or point counting or tracking food in general, in any form...but it is apparent, this will not work.  I thought that if I just "ate what I should and leave it at that" it would be enough.  It's not.  I MUST count calories and track every bite.  I must.  At least for now and the near future, track...count...weigh everything.  After 3 weeks of hard work and struggle and dropping those 7 pounds, as of this morning I am back UP those 7 pounds plus an additional .4 more.  SO FAST!  SO not fair.  So disappointing, frustrating, infuriating...3 weeks to scrape and struggle and cry them off...3 days to pack them back on with absolutely NO effort what so ever.  Do I feel like a complete failure?  Hell yes I do.  However, I can't give in to those feelings as I will attract that energy.  I don't want that.  So...new experiment, I am 24 days into the new year and starting today I will track ever single thing I eat for the rest of the entire year.  This is gonna hurt.

If I don't track it...my body will....for the entire world to see.

Monday...you always seem to come so fast...

Happy Monday again, back to the grind stone. This weekend was relatively fun for the most part, a lot of what I like best, nothing. Never was a “big plans” kinda gal.

I didn’t meet my goals this weekend as far as health goes but the one point that is now glaringly obvious, I NEED routine on the weekends. Much like I have routine Monday – Friday. I have to have it to function properly and meet my ultimate goals. So this week I will be focusing on these three TOP goals:


1. Eat 4-5 veggies and 2 fruits EVERY day

2. Drink AT LEAST 70 oz. of water a day (more is fine)

3. Get back into the habit of REGULAR gym visitis. (this week will not be so much WHAT I do at the gym so much as focusing on getting there every single day habitually. I’ve been “skipping” the gym way too much and coming up with any excuse under the sun to justify it. Buck stops here. I’m never going to get the butt I want by constantly sitting on the one I already have.


And one final “goal” (more of a “I really want to prove to myself I can do this). NO treats Monday – Saturday. None. No excuse. No stress eating. NONE. Treats on Sunday only. (Dear God hear my plea….help me do this!)

Thursday, November 3rd (5:30am)

Hallelujah, it's Thursday! I've decided to join in on the "REVERSE Resolutions Challange" created by Mary at "Fitthisgirl.com" so for this challange I need tocome up with 2 "goals" TODAY, these two goals must fit the "SMART" criteria

I am not really good with setting goals, I'll lay that right out there. I always have the loftiest of goals for myself to which I have all of the best intentions but I get frustrated and always give up. So I ask myself this morning after reading Mary's emailed instructions, what are your two goals Jen? The FIRST thing in my head was "I want to lose 100 lbs!" Seriously? 100?...in 60 days? See what I mean? So for now I'm just going to list (up to 10) the ideas that I want to see happen over the next 60 days. From this list I will choose two "goals"...with Mary's help (I'm hoping) What do I want to achieve over the next 60 days?

1. I want to lose 20 lbs.
2. I want to not run for the food/snacks when emotions start running high or heated
3. I want to go to the gym consistently, without fail, 3 times a week.
4. stay away from "snacking" monday - saturday
5. I want to consistently eat no less than 5 veggies a day
6. I want to consistently drink at least 72 ounces of water a day
7. I want to wear my khaki pants comfortably (currently quite snug but wearable...not comfy)
8. I want to consistently lift weights 3 times a week
9. I want to run 3 miles in 40 minutes
10. I want to improve my bendiness

There...that's 10. Now I have to choose 2. Need to think on this a bit. Back later.